Regular Expectations

Before we had Tatum Spencer was concerned that we wouldn't be so lucky as to have another kid we liked and loved as well as Addie.  I knew better. I had been told that when you have more kids "your love just grows" and "you love all your kids the same."  I took those two off-handed tidbits to heart.  That meant that as soon as the second one came out I was going to love her precisely the same as the first.  I had been expecting this love to GUSH out concurrently with the placenta. What a disappointment! What pressure for an infant and a postpartum mama.  

I would honestly lie awake at night stressed that if the house caught fire and I could only save ONE child I would get Addie, hands down. I'm not kidding. I thought this. And then I would be unbelievably guilty and wonder why I didn't love the 2 exactly the same. I would resent Addie for taking bonding time away from Tatum, and resent Tatum for taking me away from Addie. A few months later it was better and my love grew and grew until I was totally in love with Tatum (how could I not be?) and I finally felt my love was even towards them both, but it wasn't for another year or so that I would be able to analyze what had gone awry those first few months.

First, I had failed to factor in the time I had had to day dream when I was pregnant with Addie. I could focus on her all day and had so much time to really feel connected with her so that when she was born I felt I already knew her. Also that kind of love, mothers' love was new and overwhelmingly amazing and an intensity I had not previously known. And finally, I hadn't factored in the growth of my love for Addie. By the time Tatum came along I had already been loving and nurturing Addie for 2.7 years! How in the world could they be equal when Addie had such a huge head start?  

With Pacey I had no expectations.  That's a lie.  I expected that she would be a lovely pink baby with a striking resemblance to my husband. I expected she would nurse and poop and sleep and be really nice to hold and fun to let Tatum and Addie love on.  And as for me, there would be hard work, sleep deprivation, balancing time between kids and I would feel guilty about not loving her enough but eventually, maybe around month 4 or 5 my love would have grown.  Until then I would sit tight and do my job.  Guess what!  I fell IN LOVE. And it was FAST.  As it turns out, when I didn't put all this pressure on our relationship, I was able to just be pleasantly surprised by her.  Like the relief she provided by nursing, the wonderful way she felt in my arms, how she fits perfectly into our family, her amazingly soft skin and crazy hair and chubby cheeks and as Addie says "her googily eyes." She sucks on her lips and tries to suck on her fist but usually just punches her cheeks. Ha! She's now 11 weeks and is already cooing and smiling up a storm and I have been enjoying every OUNCE of her for months!

Pacey 9 weeks