Guess how much I didn't know I could love you

So the other night when Spencer was getting ready to put Addie down to bed he got one of my favorite books down from the closet shelf to read to her. I refrained from nagging to "remember to put that back up when your done" because I thought I would return it to it's proper place in the morning when I went in to get her. Only I forgot until Spencer came in later to tell me that the "Guess How Much I Love You" pop-up book had been damaged by a certain small girl who pulled the tabs and ripped heads off paper bunnies. He knew it would make me sad and he was sorry. And the more I thought about it the more I wondered why I was so bummed about the book. A friend had given it to me.  I still have the friend and I can still acquire the same book. I have several meaningful gifts she has given me, so why does this children's book mean so much to me?

Way back when, probably when I was a Freshman in High school I remember talking to some random girl in a class that didn't know me very well and she said something about how she "couldn't see me as a mom." Which combined with being assured by older siblings that I was a spoiled brat, in my brain translated to "you are a selfish person without that capacity for love."

I know it's technically about a dad and maybe all the meaning I garnered was unintentional but years later when my wonderful friend, who knew me better than anyone else gave me that book, it was an unexpected awakening.  For the first time I felt like someone saw my maternal potential.  It meant to me that she saw me as a future mom, that I could have unconditional love for a child.  I maybe hadn't realized that I had been carrying that baggage of feeling incapable of that type of love.  Fast forward to today, with some real "mom life" under my belt, the redesigned version by Addie more accurately reflects my current state.  The bunny heads and tabs are patched, I'm not going to stress about the parts that don't function perfectly, now and in the future I'll try to see it as more lovely for the use.